I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
