I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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