There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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