my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
