So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
