i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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