I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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