it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
