i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
