My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
