she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
