so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
