Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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