Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His nipple licking is glorious
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