I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
