Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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