Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
