i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
