found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
