I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
