Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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