I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
