I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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