I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
