Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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