Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
