Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
