so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
