So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
