we have officially lost it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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