If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
