I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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