I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Pooping to opera.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
