Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
