i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
