my phone needs a breathalizer
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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