did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
