Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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