but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
