I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
