I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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