Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
