he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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