I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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