Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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