when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
