i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
