why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
