i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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