I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
