I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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